Beethoven Meets Big
CAN A LOVE LETTER WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE REALLY SHOW YOUR FEELINGS?
When I started researching love letters for the very first episode of Was Is Could Be, I started as all good history researchers do — by frantically Googling any combination of words that seemed to get me to the good stuff. Which is actually more impossible than you think. Love letters — and everything related to love — is insanely objective. And I, not exactly a romantic, was not interested in anything but the most scholarly — or at least the most factual — research out there.
But Googling was, to this millennial’s dismay, not working to the extent that I needed it to. I kept coming across the same two love letters. I kept stumbling on blogs and other good but non-historic pieces that contradicted one another. I couldn’t find a historian or biographer among the group. I became desperate to break through to Google — to give it something that would lead me to a genuine resource where I could start my deep dive. And then somewhere in my desperation, I remembered it — Carrie and Big and the love letters library book. Desperate for an authoritative text, I dove into the Sex and the City movie in a completely serious attempt to find the name of the book she rented on love letters, praying that it was a real thing.
🚨 FYI: Spoiler alerts coming up.🚨
It seems like an innocuous scene, but it is arguably the most important scene in the whole movie. It’s THE part that the whole story comes back to. THE thing that pushes Carrie and Big back together for the 1 bajillionth time. And yet, it’s so simple: In their perfectly lit NYC apartment, cuddled in a comfy bed with expensive sheets, Big asks Carrie about her library book. Wearing a string of pearls with her otherwise normal pajamas, Carrie gives her book a whiff — she seriously smelled it — and then began to explain its purpose. “It’s research.” That’s it.
It’s such an innocuous scene, in fact, that when I first saw the movie my two take aways were this:
YAAASSsssss. 🙌🏻 I LOVE the smell of books!
Pearls with pajamas - I hadn’t thought of it, but it’s pretty rad. Now where can I find some?
But of course, writer Michael Patrick King is no fool. Only the least-expected can, after all, surprise the audience so much in the end.
And by surprise, I mean completely irritate.
At the end of the film we discover that, in an effort to show Carrie how much he loves her, Big has sent her the most famous love letters from her library book via email. And the letter that tips Carrie — and the audience — back into Big’s arms is the last three lines from Beethoven’s most famous letter - “Ever Mine. Ever Thine. Ever Ours.” It’s a modern twist to a 19th century idea. In other words — love is an ancient, forever kind of thing.
As a letter, it’s an excellent choice. The last three lines — ever mine, ever yours, ever ours — plays directly to the heart of the problem in Carrie and Big’s relationship. What’s his? What’s her’s? How can they ever have an “ours” if he pays for everything? And what happens when he wants “ours” to just be his again?
But now that I was in full swing of reading and judging every love letter out there as part of my podcast research, I looked at Big’s choice as kind of lazy and lacking in meaning. I wanted to yell “hey!…. Get your own love letters!!” right in my living room.
So when I had a chance to talk to Jennifer Silvershein, licensed psychotherapist, as part of the podcast, I had to ask her about it.
“I don't think that love letters have to be our own words.” Jennifer said. “While I don't think the Sex in the City movies are where we should learn all of our life experiences from, I did find that to be a very thoughtful and updated way of finding comfort and expression.”
🤔 Um. What?
I couldn’t help but be a little perplexed. I thought that THE WHOLE POINT of a love letter was to express your own feelings — not the feelings of some guy who lived 200 years ago! But Jennifer had a totally different outlook.
“NEWSFLASH — THERE IS NO PERFECT RESPONSE TO ANYTHING.”
“I think something that [Big] did that people don't do often is he gave himself permission to not be perfect. So one could argue that he should have written out this really detailed apology and all of these different things to get [Carrie] back. And I think it really showed… I feel as though he was always so shutdown the entire series of Sex in the City. That to me it almost felt like a continuation of him just not knowing how to express himself and being this very tough outer shell. And I think he gave himself permission to be as romantic as he could in that moment.”
“I think that he maybe didn't have the right words, didn't have the perfect thing to say, which catches people up all the time,” she continued. “They're like, I haven't constructed the perfect response. Well — newsflash — there is no perfect response to anything. The only perfect response is just sending something. But I think that he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to express himself. And I think he also knew that she was a hopeless romantic, and this was very much in line with what may feel good and comfortable for her as well. I think it's amazing writing, honestly.”
I had to admit — I was really surprised. I had expected the outcome of the interview to be that people should use writing to express themselves more. I pushed Jennifer a little bit more on this.
“When we think about if it might've been better if he used his own words. Sure. I don't disagree. Plagiarism or citing other people isn't always the answer. But if he could not find the words at the time, what would've been better: silence or effort?”
“WHAT WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER: SILENCE OR EFFORT?”
It’s a fair point. And even though Jennifer and I agreed that writing is an excellent way to communicate feelings, she reminded me that it’s not always that easy.
“I think that that's why so many songs are about love and relationships — because so many people cannot put the words to their feelings. And I think we've all had that moment where we hear a song and we go, Oh my God, [this is] speaking to my soul, this is exactly how I feel. And I think that's why that's really the most popular topic in music — because so many people are shut down from their thoughts, their feelings, their emotions, and through music and through lyrics we’re able to associate with it or share with someone what we're feeling.”
"It's kind of like picking a wedding song, you know, how do you go through that process and why is it that we even pick a wedding song? And to me it's because it's a very clear way of expressing your love for the other person and sharing it with everyone without having to, you know, tear out your heart.”
So I asked Jennifer, since it can be so difficult, how can people get started writing their emotions?
“Well, … I would encourage all people to start writing somewhere. So there's a few different ways in which they could do it. They could start making a bullet journal, they could list out stuff, or they could get something like the Five-Minute Journal, which asks you the high, the low, a mantra for the day. And it's more of an outline that you just fill-in-the-blanks. But I think that so often in order to be our best in our relationship, in order to be able to express ourselves, we need to give ourselves permission. And the first place to start is with yourself. And I always tell people we're not going to love someone else until we love ourselves. So similarly, we’re not going to be able to express ourselves beautifully in a letter until we enable ourselves to have self expression without the intention of sharing it with someone else. So I think today is the day to start. Right now is the time …if people loved and accepted themselves and gave themselves permission to just be that, you know, the fear of rejection would reduce a bit.”
Not quite ready for the writing part? Jennifer says “Maybe share a playlist of songs that makes you think of your partner as a way to slowly inch yourself into self-expression.”
It sounds lovely.
Jennifer L. Silvershein, LCSW, created Manhattan Wellness, a boutique psychotherapy practice, for young professionals to receive well-rounded care, and to support them in optimizing their life so it’s a life they LOVE — not just one that’s about checking off boxes and surface-level achievements. With mentions in Cosmopolitan and Oprah magazine, along with her master’s degree from Columbia University, Jennifer has not only created a space for therapeutic healing — she has created a movement that changes the landscape of therapy and counseling.
Jennifer guides both her growing staff and her clients based on the concept of two individuals coming together and stripping away the labels of “Therapist” and “Client.” She has combined her clinical expertise, business savvy and highly impactful relationship building skills to transform what it means to go to therapy. Collaborative, holistic and client-focused care is revolutionary in the therapy world - and Manhattan Wellness is leading the way. Jennifer's practice is built on the belief that if you're willing to challenge your current way of life, anything is possible.
For more on love letters, Beethoven, and my own foolishness check out…
Are Love Letters Dead? - Was Is Could Be, Season 1, Episode 1 - A look at Beethoven’s mysterious love letters, the purpose of letter writing, and why we should bring it back.
Beethoven’s Immortal Beloved Letters - What are these letters all about anyways? Check them out for yourself - translated and all.
What I’ve Learned About Love Letters - A few months of research will do something to you. Here’s my main takeaways from a summer of reading other people’s love letters.
Love? From? - My own love letters in review. This is pretty embarrassing.
Modern vs. 19th Century Love Letters - A comparison between modern love letters and love letters of the 19th century.